June 28, 2008
First Bottle
Blake downs his first bottle. He calls for another round, but the bartender cuts him off.
Once you’ve sobered up a bit, son, you can have your car keys back.
June 24, 2008
First Addiction
Technically pacifiers are Blake’s third addiction, if we count hugs and sunshine. He’s pretty indifferent to kisses and kittens, but give him an artificial nipple and he loses all self-control.
That’s “nuke” as in “nuclear option,” not “nuclear weapon.” As in, what you resort to if diplomacy breaks down, which is not uncommon when dealing with infants.
June 11, 2008
First Fingernail Extraction
I feel pretty conflicted about this footage. On the one hand, it’s my solemn duty as a parent to protect Blake from terrorists. On the other, if I can’t document their crimes against our children, then the terrorists have already won.
Other traumatic experiences that cause newborns to lose consciousness include circumcision, extreme hunger or cold, and listening to a Beatles song.
June 9, 2008
First Added Pound
The latest medical report comes in, and the news is good. Very good. Blake put on eighteen (or nineteen) ounces in a week’s time, making him the fastest growing baby ever. There’s some dispute over whether the last ounce should count, given that shortly after the trip to the scales, Blake ejected approximately one fluid ounce of milk on my sweater and pants.
I wish people got this excited when I put on weight. Because one pound in a week is laughable, son.
Blake comports himself like a trooper during his blood draw. No crying, no screaming, no fuss. At least for the first minute, until I pass out and the medics arrive with the crash cart. My memory gets a bit fuzzy after that.
June 2, 2008
Putting on Pants
Despite being new here, as his undershirt proclaims, Blake knows the rules when it comes to getting ready for his pediatric checkup. No shirt? No shoes? No problem. No pants, though? Big problem. Fortunately for us, one of his eight newborn instincts involves obeying the dress code.
Note the waist-high, "old man" style of wearing pants. Fashion statement or medical necessity? You decide.
